I recently had a conversation in which several of these questions came up.
Ok, so let's throw a little background info in here. In my marriage (see Choke on Fire), I was both a wonderful person and a not wonderful person. Don't get me wrong, I worked, went to college, took care of a home, fed people and was wonderful at those things. I wasn't a total bitch, at least no more than your typical wife. But I was one thing; a cheater. I'll admit it and, to a certain extent, as embarrassing as it is to admit, it feels better each time I say it. I lied. I didn't lie about paying bills or how much money I needed for groceries but I did lie about where I was, who I was with and, now that I think about it, I most certainly lied about loving my husband (at least romantically).
The weird thing was, it wasn't as if I didn't like my husband, I did. I still do. The marriage just wasn't what I wanted. I could even say I didn't lie about little stupid things, just the big ones. Now, I'm not trying to justify or make my wrong right by explaining why I did what I did. I did it and it wasn't the best choice. There really isn't much more to it. Wrong is wrong.
This is what the conversation kind of revolved around. I believed that most people use a person's past to help them asses what type of person they currently are. It makes people comfortable to be able to predict how a person might act in the future. When you think about, it removes the ability of a person to better themselves because people keep their past misdeeds in mind when they judge them. Room for mistakes and learning become obsolete and we have pushed ourselves, and each other, into a tiny box where we are unable to become better people. A box in which we are neatly assigned a personality by others. One where we accept that label and embrace it, even if it means we are someone we do not want to be.
When I think about my life, I envision it broken down into neat little chapters. Chapters which, once complete, are neatly filed away and have no bearing on the chapter to come. For a long while, I truly believed that this was good for me. I experienced a part of my life, learned lessons and transformed into a different person. At times a better person, at times not so much. I took this new person and embraced her, always believing I had left the old me behind. I believed I had no use for the old me, she was just someone I once was. In reality, what I thought was my transformation into a new and better person wasn't that at all. I had just been moved into a different box. I had not evolved, I had just point blank changed. I wasn't a better person, just a different person.
But what I have come to understand is I haven't left the old me behind. The old me and the present me are connected, we are the same. I cannot leave portions of myself out because I am embarrassed or ashamed of my behavior. I cannot pick and chose the parts of me that others see, even if they don't understand my personal evolution, even if I want to forget the girl that hurt a man who once loved her. These are the parts of me that I must embrace the most, the ones where a true and complete lesson are to be found. A chance for me to ask for forgiveness from another person and, in turn, heal not only the pain I brought on myself for hurting that person but, hopefully, the pain I put them through as well.
This new found idea has left me feeling more complete and less willing to present only one part of myself to the world. Does this mean I must proclaim all my ill deeds to each person when I meet them? No, it most certainly does not. But it does mean that I need to accept them as a part of my whole self and not be afraid or embarrassed to admit I was that person at one time. By accepting who I am, good and bad, past and present, I begin to form a true and complete picture of myself. In a world where we are constantly praising the "bigger picture", I can think of no better picture to start with than the portrait of myself.
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