I don't know why, but lately that has been the method of hypothetical death I have been choosing to bestow upon my soon to be ex-husband. Ok, yeah, not sure if I mentioned I'm married but yeah, I'm married and to be totally honest, we haven't even started divorce proceedings so technically, he's not even my soon to be ex-husband he's just really my husband I don't live with and sometimes wish would choke on a large flaming ball of fire. Wow, hello run on sentence. Whatever. So here's my little predicament right now; after a short stint of trying to move back to my home state (California) which did not work out for a number of reasons (none of which I'm going to dive into right now) my ex has our only vehicle which leaves me ass out. Now, I don't really mind this, growing up in the Nj/Ny area public transport is pretty good but there are times when it just doesn't work out. Like, for example, tonight.
I'm invited over to a friends house for coffee and a trip to the movies. Although this friend knows most of my situation I haven't really quite let him in on what a spiteful asshole my ex can be. Being that the ex lives around the corner (sucky) I give him a holla to see if I can use the car, even put gas in it. The fucker makes me practically beg for it. God, I hate it. Its like he gets this one thing he can use and he has to milk it for all its worth. What a douche. In all honesty, I really do deserve it (another story we'll get to) so the only thing that keeps me from flying off the handle and shoving a dull rusted pitchfork up his ass is the fact that I really want to use the car. Granted he'll pay for it later in court 'cause I can be one cold hearted bitch.
Ugh, I mean at one point he actually dangled the keys in front of me! If I didn't want the car so bad I would have been livid. Instead, I saw what he was doing. Taking advantage of the last thing he can hold over my head until I get my own car. That fucker. Whatever, he wants to see me squirm, I don't give a shit, I'll squirm. It'll make it that much sweeter when I fuck him up the ass in court. Whose squirmin' now, bitch?!?! (That's what I'll say in my head. Pretty badass, right?)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Stinky Pee
I've been thinking about this whole blog thing for quite a while. I'd sit and think about what I would write, where I wanted it to go and what topics I wanted to talk about. I put so much thought into it, then I'd get discouraged and say, "Fuck this stupid blog shit!" Then it hit me. Who gives a shit what I write about? I mean, at first, I wanted to write about stuff that people wanted to read, then I bounced around this idea of writing a novel about my life. I imagined that would go off in this great memoir kind of way but I could never quite figure out how I'd pull all the pieces of the story together. Well, then I stumbled upon all these super hilarious blogs and I thought to myself, "You know what? My life is fuckin' hysterical." Seriously, most of the shit that happens to me you can't make up. Lots of it is pretty boring we'll talk about that part too.
Ok, so onto stinky pee. Yeah, I really couldn't think of too much to write about so I promised I would write about one of the first things I contemplated today. Stinky pee was it so I'm sticking to my promise. I like to think I'm a girl of my word but in all honestly I usually don't "give my word" so it's a relatively easy thing to stick with. Today, I figured I might as well get in the shower and shave. It's been about a week, a little longer for the vajayjay. Whatever, I'm sure some of are you are grossed out but take a seat, I'm just going to lay it out, you don't like it read another blog. Besides, I've been busy getting my life together and reading other peoples blogs. Don't judge me!
Stinky pee, first let me tell you, in case some of you never thought to do this or like to lie and pretend you don't, I pee in the shower. Don't act all grossed out, most of you do so whatever. I never really got the point of getting naked just to sit on the toilet, pee, flush then get in the shower. Why not just do it all at once? So, I'm in the shower and commence peeing. Its actually a weird feeling, sometimes its warmer than the water but that's beside the point. And the first thing I started to think about is "Wow, whenever I pee after drinking coffee it always smells like cheerios." I really started to wonder about this. Maybe it smelled toasted? Cheerios are toasted so maybe the scents are similar? I know a lot about cheerios because I worked in a day care for about 10 years and small children can chow down on some cheerios. We would feed those kids cheerios as snacks all day long for years. Some kids went to this day care from the time they were born until they reached Kindergarten. Imagine how many cheerios they ingested. Yeah. Wow.
Back on point. Stinky cheerio pee. Does anyone else's pee smell like that? We all get the asparagus pee so don't chime in with something like that. Also, I recently had a UTI and my pee smelled really weird then too. I can't quite put my finger on that scent but it wasn't good and was actually kind of alarming. I had been having a decent amount of anal (another story) around that time so I thought maybe it had something to do with that. It freaked me out. I actually googled "foul smelling urine". It went away so I guess I'm not going to die or anything.
I'm not sure I've gained any readers with all this talk of anal and peeing on myself in the shower it but it felt nice. Also, makes me miss anal. Oh, well, soon enough.
Ok, so onto stinky pee. Yeah, I really couldn't think of too much to write about so I promised I would write about one of the first things I contemplated today. Stinky pee was it so I'm sticking to my promise. I like to think I'm a girl of my word but in all honestly I usually don't "give my word" so it's a relatively easy thing to stick with. Today, I figured I might as well get in the shower and shave. It's been about a week, a little longer for the vajayjay. Whatever, I'm sure some of are you are grossed out but take a seat, I'm just going to lay it out, you don't like it read another blog. Besides, I've been busy getting my life together and reading other peoples blogs. Don't judge me!
Stinky pee, first let me tell you, in case some of you never thought to do this or like to lie and pretend you don't, I pee in the shower. Don't act all grossed out, most of you do so whatever. I never really got the point of getting naked just to sit on the toilet, pee, flush then get in the shower. Why not just do it all at once? So, I'm in the shower and commence peeing. Its actually a weird feeling, sometimes its warmer than the water but that's beside the point. And the first thing I started to think about is "Wow, whenever I pee after drinking coffee it always smells like cheerios." I really started to wonder about this. Maybe it smelled toasted? Cheerios are toasted so maybe the scents are similar? I know a lot about cheerios because I worked in a day care for about 10 years and small children can chow down on some cheerios. We would feed those kids cheerios as snacks all day long for years. Some kids went to this day care from the time they were born until they reached Kindergarten. Imagine how many cheerios they ingested. Yeah. Wow.
Back on point. Stinky cheerio pee. Does anyone else's pee smell like that? We all get the asparagus pee so don't chime in with something like that. Also, I recently had a UTI and my pee smelled really weird then too. I can't quite put my finger on that scent but it wasn't good and was actually kind of alarming. I had been having a decent amount of anal (another story) around that time so I thought maybe it had something to do with that. It freaked me out. I actually googled "foul smelling urine". It went away so I guess I'm not going to die or anything.
I'm not sure I've gained any readers with all this talk of anal and peeing on myself in the shower it but it felt nice. Also, makes me miss anal. Oh, well, soon enough.
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