Recently, I've been exposed to some serious life notions. Some of them are hard to swallow, some of them less difficult to digest, but the one thing they all have in common is, I cannot get them out of my head. There is extreme difficulty in changing yourself and your patterns of behavior, even more so when the idea that you have a larger purpose in this life than anything you could have imagined. It's been said that I'm resistant to accepting who I need to be in this life and I would be hard-pressed to say I disagree.
Lately, I've been so irritable, so annoyed at the one person who knows and fully believes in the truth of who I am and my purpose in this lifetime. I went to the beach today, I sat in the hot sun and thought. I went down to the water and floated around and thought some more. Why am I so resistant to the idea that I have something great to contribute to the world? Is it because I'm scared to fail at it? That there may be a chance that I cannot be the person I should be?
Ignorance is bliss but you can never un-know something. Once you know something, once your heart has accepted it, once you have accepted it no amount of resistance to it can make it go away. The difficulty then lies in submission, in letting yourself accept and act upon what you know to be true. This is so much more difficult than you can imagine.
I try so hard to logic my way out of illogical situations. I talk myself out of things. This hurts only me. And the weird thing is this is something I know. There is this DVD I was told to watch and use. Exercises that would help me release trauma. I sit there some days and stare at that DVD and yet, I never put it on, I never follow along with exercises but I stare at it and the cover is burned into my mind. I have a book in my possession that I never thought would impact me, that I first thought I'd breeze through the same way I breeze through my required college reading yet, here I am halfway through and I want to start over because I don't think I've read it closely enough. Something is telling me to read again, read again, read again and yet I turn to page 179 and read ten pages then stop. Then days later I'll pick it up again on page 179 read and stop. As odd as it may seem, its almost as if I cannot move past these pages. I think I need a paper copy of this book, a copy I can write in, highlight, fold and notate. I need to start from the beginning, I need to admit and accept this. This is harder than it seems. Or perhaps it isn't, I'm just making it that way.
I think the culmination of all of this is I know what I should focus on, I know who I am and what I should do but the fear of change has crippled me. In all honesty, I am the person scared of taking a leap of faith, a person scared of the things they can't control, a person who doesn't have enough faith in the universe to close her eyes and jump, trusting that there is a higher power that will help me through it all. Or perhaps I am none of those things, I just hide behind them.
I have a wonderful, patient, loving man in my life. One who believes I have within me the potential to do so much good in the world. One who adores me and loves me, sometimes more than I think I deserve. Sometimes my frustration piles onto him and he takes it with patience and understanding. I can only thank something greater than myself that our paths have intertwined in such a way.
Perhaps fear and resistance are the first signs that change is on the horizon. Not simple change but life altering change. I believe simple change requires materialistic fear, superficial fear, fear of judgement by others but life altering change requires none of that. It requires mental change, a deep and unwavering acceptance that you are contributing to something, the understanding that even though you may not know why or how you have given yourself over to something bigger and have learned to be unselfish and loving in ways you never thought you would know.
Deciding to step forward and participate in the journey of the paths of your life is the most difficult step to take. I think today I might take it; the first step.
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